Reality.

I lay on my back and the stillness in my body contradicts the havoc playing in my mind. Ever since arriving back to reality - being Mumbai, I haven't stopped expressing my thoughts and sharing them with loved ones, thinking and re-thinking, thinking and then over thinking.

I feel as though all the mechanics in my mind and body are beginning to click into place - there is an air of awareness where every thing I say or do only allows me to understand who I am, who I've become but most importantly - who I want to be.

I'll be honest, there has been an influx of information and most importantly emotions as there is a lot of forceful activity that is being kick started now while I continue to discover myself. But despite this immense spiritual connection I feel with my mind and body - I am scared, I'm still lost and ever so confused. It's amazing how our surroundings influence our internal rhythm so much - my heart seemed to have beaten at a completely different pace in Goa, my heart seemed to have been a lot more open and honest just a few hours ago. Scary thought isn't it - lying to yourself and being denial of the patterns that you need to break? Submerging myself within the bustle of a city, every day responsibilities and most importantly amongst temptation changes it all within seconds.

I refuse to be a victim of temptation - because that just starts the script all over again doesn't it? I need to do it differently this time - like a friend recently said to me there need to be monumental changes. It needs to feel awkward, uncomfortable and that then that will be the birth of a new cycle of freshness, happiness, uniqueness, individuality and freedom...

As I landed in Mumbai yesterday I decided to see a friend who has always held a special place in my heart... more so lately. I often think, he could be my soul mate. We sat and we talked, and what a beautiful, truthful conversation we had - there was no room for judgement. We smiled, we shared, and I loved every minute of it. I could feel his happiness for me, it resonated through his eyes and smile and it was amazing because my inner happiness was rubbing off on him and for once I was responsible!

But now I sit here reminding myself, forcing myself that this too will pass and however good all this support and love around me makes me feel the underlying fact is that - I should be feeling all these things on my own about myself and others actions should just be an added bonus, and not the be all and end all.

There is a huge part of me that knows I need to keep safe distance from this friend as soon he will be gone, ready to embark his new chapter... one that he truly and utterly deserves. Despite our differences, he has reminded me that when you share a bond with someone - no amount of years apart, relationships in between and hardships life throws at us can ever come in between a genuine bond. We can be, just really be who we are.. and as beautiful as this all is, there is some sort of distance that will need to be drawn to ensure I don't forget that my newfound journey only has room for one - me.

Sweet future, in your arms I may possibly lay, we might have a chance to be an us, but till those days come, I will not dream, I will not speak of such things, I will resist you and I will just work on me and if it's meant to be - we shall be.