Goa - 20 March 2011.

I would never have thought that two nights in Goa would have been as significant as they have been. It is only the beginning as I am merely only scratching the surface. But the depth, the intensity, the vast open spaces in my mind are craving to discover more! All this excites me in ways you would not believe. I am passionate about something once again, after such a long time… and for once in my life the only focus is on me.

Staying tuned, aware of my actions and reactions, digging deeper and simultaneously with much needed guidance beginning my journey into a state I want to be in – I’m okay, you’re okay. I want to wake up every morning whispering, chanting, screaming, and remembering that I am good enough. I need to stop apologizing for who I am, love myself and let it all just be. It’s all sinking in now, bit by bit, word for word. For 25 years I have searched for happiness through the eyes of another – as I gave someone else the power and I was no longer responsible for my own happiness. It was his or her sweet words or nice gesture that influenced my mood.

Now, I am finally on a different path where I am responsible for all that comes into my life. Others choices and gestures should no longer make me happy, as I am in control of my own happiness. I want to give as much love as I can, whether it’s through actions or words and expect nothing in return. When someone shows me love, or pays me a compliment I will absorb it and receive it openly. I will not give in to negative strokes that come my way and instead return them to the owner. And lastly, I will certainly not settle for second best and if that means that no one says anything nice to me – so be it – as I have myself. This is the time not to underestimate my body. During meditation today, I heard and then opened up to the truth that my body has been there for me through everything. And for that, I am thankful as I have myself to lean on. It is only when I am able to do this that I will be able to wholeheartedly love again. Who doesn’t want that long healthy relationship and marriage? I will not be able to achieve that if I don’t discover myself..

I want to do all the things that scare me and I want to do them to empower myself and remind me that I am good enough and there is not an incapable bone in my body. I want to drive, I want to dance, I want to meditate, I want to venture out on the streets alone, I want to be able to turn my phone off, I want to tuck myself into bed, I want to act, I want to let go, I want to love, I want to be the best at my job, I want to travel alone… and I am good enough to do all these things and succeed in them.

My mind is racing with all the content that has entered it today… I need to breathe. Deep breath in, a huge sigh out – I stand prepared to fall, I have the privilege of having good support and with my strength I will try over and over again until I have let go… I want to be happy, content and free from any toxins that my past might have brought to me.